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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435460">Your Past Scent, Your Past Memories (I Miss It All)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansungchan/pseuds/hansungchan'>hansungchan</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, Crushes, Diary/Journal, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, This is pretty dark tbh, Time Skips, i take my bet on the latter lol, please read the end notes, read the warning on my notes unless you want to proceed into the unknown, still i'm not quite sure if this is just dark or sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:28:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,792</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435460</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hansungchan/pseuds/hansungchan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Where Jeno loves Renjun in every season of every day.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Your Past Scent, Your Past Memories (I Miss It All)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was supposed to be posted last night! But because I was too tired and sleepy, I gave up in the middle. Lol. I came up with this upon listening to this one Korean song. I got the inspiration for writing this because of it. </p><p>Before you proceed, here are the warnings in case you do not mind being spoiled. I really don't want to put too much on the tags since it's basically like me telling the whole story on the tags' section. And I try to avoid that. So if you don't wanna know, you're very much free to proceed and skip this part. But just remember, there might be some themes that could be triggering for you. So I hope you're ready for that. (It's not much really. And the warning of graphic depiction of violence isn't really TOO graphic for me. But still, I'm not sure so I put a check on it to be safe).</p><p>Warning for the following themes you might encounter: homophobia, mentioned themes of religion (or something like that I'm really not sure how you call that lol), implied/referenced depression, suicide, character death, and murder. </p><p>That'd be all. Please make sure to read the endnotes too after. Thank you and happy reading!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>May 10, 2016</b> </em>
</p><p>
  <b>Renjun,</b>
</p><p>
  <em>You look lovely today. Not that you didn’t yesterday. But today you are glowing. More than any sun, moon, or stars above. You had the prettiest smile etched on your lips as you sit under the shadow of that cherry blossom tree- petals falling on your hair. And I couldn’t even begin to explain how I wanna reach out my hand to brush it off of your soft locks. On the other hand, I do not want to. You and flowers are the kind of Art painters would die for.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I love you. In every season, every year, every day. I just don’t have the strength to tell you yet.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Renjun, I hope you wait for me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>*** </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Jisung is it true?!” Jaemin’s cold voice with the slightest hint of panic filled the room as the male burst from the door. Chest panting a little as he looks at his friends in the eyes.</p><p>None of them had the heart to meet his pleading gazes. Their voice leaving away their throats to confirm the dreaded news.</p><p>That doesn’t mean there is no room for the apology though. Even if no one knows what’s there to be sorry for.</p><p>“Sorry, hyung.”</p><p>For six years, he was never the type to display emotion in front of his friends. If he ever did, those were too minimal to be noticed. And even then, he tried not to lose his balance. Palms gripping the edge of the table, nails nearly leaving marks on the hardwood surface.</p><p>If there’s one thing in the world that Jaemin treasures more than image and wealth, it is his friends.</p><p>Chenle is his friend.</p><p>Chenle is dead, too.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>April 3, 2021</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Renjun,</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It’s that season of the year again. Today, I saw you. And though cherry blossom petals don’t fall off you anymore, it’s okay. Even if its rotten leaves or wild grass that grew around you, you’d still look pretty in every possible form. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>This day isn’t as bright as those from years ago. Whilst everything is blooming afresh, pretty leaves designing the roads, the faces that I saw reminds me of... err, I’d rather not compare it to a season I guess. As every season is beautiful in their own way according to you. And the expressions those people wore were anything but.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chenle is dead. I’m sure you already know that. Today, I wanted to come to you and ask how do you feel about the news. It’s pretty hard to read you, have I ever told you that? But due to unfortunate circumstances, I cannot go to you. As always, there’s a barrier between us. One that I’d hopefully cross soon.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m still in love with you you see. I guess I’ll always have. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I see you from where I’m sitting here under a large oak tree. Please do not feel alone. You have me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>*** </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Have you ever felt alone?”</p><p>“A-Are you talking to m-me?”</p><p>There’s a chuckle from the Chinese male. A sweet, angelic melody incomparable to any tune.</p><p>"Whatever. Never mind.”</p><p>“No, please don’t be mistaken! I-I’m just surprised. You and the word alone doesn’t seem to fit together, Renjun-ssi.”</p><p>Renjun responded with a hum. “Yeah. I guess that’s a weird thing for me to ask.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>May 20, 2016</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Renjun,</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>You spared me a smile today. I am so happy! I felt like I could face every day if that means seeing your smile first thing in the morning. </em>
</p><p><em>You’re different than most people I know. Ah no, you’re different than </em> <em> <b>every </b> </em> <em>people I know. Unlike them, I know you for who you really are. I see the way your eyes glow whenever you saw a random butterfly resting its wings on a flower. I noticed how your head bobbed along with the rhythm of whatever song playing in your AirPods. I never missed the way your lips curl in a shy smile whenever someone compliments you for literally being the most amazing person out there. </em></p><p>
  <em>Just as how I notice all these little things from you, the same goes for your red-painted cheeks that I never missed whenever Jaemin talks to you. Writing this, I realize one thing. You couldn’t possibly wait for me when you’re looking the other way.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But it’s okay, Renjun-ah. You can’t possibly fall in love with me. I’m just too stupid to hope in the first place. I’ll still support you no matter what. Because I love you. And that’s how love works, right?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>Someone who’s always in love with you</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“<em>Breaking News: Just in right now, the only heir of the infamous firm company Park Corporations- Park Jisung- was found dead inside his condominium unit. Battered and bruised, the police announced the young heir’s cause of death to be severe injury and blood loss. Based on the reports, the boy also suffered from a head injury and a broken skull. With the number of blows and hits he received, his face almost indistinguishable, the public could only guess the suspect’s motives to be personal as there are no missing items or stolen money from the victim.”</em></p><p> </p><p>“This can’t be possible,” Jaemin shakes his head, hands reaching out for the remote control he could hardly press.</p><p>No, this can’t be possible. Jisung’s just with him yesterday. They all ate together. After months of mourning Chenle’s death, light is finally showing itself to them. Then <em>this</em> happened.</p><p>Jisung’s funeral was held that same week. The Parks deciding to bury his remains until it turns into ashes which they could throw onto the sea until it is one with the wind and waves of the ocean. Jaemin could barely hold back himself. If not for Donghyuck and Mark who supported him until the end.</p><p>Once again, he had lost someone important to him. And a part of his soul dies along with them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>July 1, 2021</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Renjun,</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I was funny. And obviously very stupid. Remember that entry I wrote back in 2016? Yeah, I stumbled upon my former diary from that time. Then wasted my whole night reading through each of my old entries. Some of ‘em sure did bring back memories- happy and bittersweet memories. While others are simply painful, now that I read onto it a couple of years from the future. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>There’s an entry where I was so fucking sure I knew you, Renjun. I thought I really do. I was the first to realize your love for Jaemin more than Jaemin himself. Hell, even more than you did. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But why... why did I only see all the bright and happy and good things about you? Is it my choice to? Maybe I’m just too blinded by your beauty that I didn’t know the storm that hides behind your rainbows. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Up ‘til now I still wonder. What if I noticed then? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Would things be different?</em>
</p><p><em>Will </em> <em> <b>we </b> </em> <em>be different?</em></p><p>
  <em>I hate the answer to that, more than anything.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>“Oh! You startled me.”</p><p>“Sorry, didn’t mean to. I just wanna ask if you have any plans for summer break.”</p><p>“Why? Do you need someone to carry the bags of you and your friends for your summer getaway?”</p><p>Renjun’s cheeks turned pink, clearly embarrassed and shy. “N-No! If we need that we’d be hiring an assistant, not you whom I doubt could barely pull a muscle.”</p><p>The Chinese’s tone is neither arrogant nor snobbish, far from those he’s used to. It pulled up a fond smile from his own lips.</p><p>“Well, good luck with that. You and your friends know I’m the best at that.” He winks. Renjun was about to say something but he cuts him off. “Anyway, regarding my summer break plans, I think I’d just be helping my grandmother with her flower shop. At the same time, I could save money for college.”</p><p>Renjun’s eyes widened, mirroring amazement in those sparkling orbs of his. “Whoa, your grandmother owned a flower shop? That’s so cool! You never told me that.”</p><p>“You never asked though.”</p><p>“Right. Sorry.”</p><p>“No, don’t be. I’m just kidding, Renjun-ssi.”</p><p>He must have sounded sincere when Renjun is back onto beaming at him again. “It must be nice. To spend a day arranging and tending to flowers, just talking to them without hearing any possible judgment in return.”</p><p>“Err, you could say that. But hey, it’s much nicer to fly to Hawaii, you know? There’s the beach, and the beautiful sky, and the waters...”</p><p>“Hmm trust me. There’s no better place than with a flower’s company.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>August 13, 2016</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Renjun,</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I am so excited, I’m probably smiling like a creep right now while writing this! Renjun!!! After a couple of months, I’d see you again! How was your summer? Based on your posts on Instagram and Weibo, it looks like you had a lot of fun. And have I ever told you your smile can put any sun into shame with the light it brings to my life? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Don’t ask me about mine, it’s the same as usual. Boring, old me serving at my grandma’s flower shop. But I bet you’d say otherwise. You, after all, is a lover of flowers. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And that is why I held a rose in my pocket. You said you like them. And I’m most sure there are no roses anyway in Hawaii. I’m pretty certain you already bought the finest chocolates, expensive souvenirs, and limited edition watches or clothes out there. But hopefully, not a flower. I wanna be the one to give you a flower, Renjun. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p><em> <b>August 13, 2016, 2</b> </em> <em> <sup> <b>nd</b> </sup> </em> <em> <b> entry</b> </em></p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Renjun,</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I’m so sorry, I couldn’t give it to you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His muscle aches, but his hands are numb. All too used with the same impact (if not more) from the blows he delivered just a few weeks ago from a certain Park Jisung. And now, it’s the same bruised knuckles he used to land punches on a certain Mark Lee.</p><p>Something inside him is set ablaze, burning in a fiery ball of fire. Powered by the overwhelming anger from the certain recollection of memories but neither can he deny the surge of thrill running over his cold seethed bones. He always found joy in their bloodied faces, teeth falling out from their gums, as they groan in pain like helpless little hogs before they met their end.</p><p>“P-Please, s-stop...”</p><p>He lets out a burst of incredulous laughter. His chilling giggles resounding at the abandoned building as tears pooled in his eyes due to so much amusement. Before his mood shifted into a grave, serious one, he spat out on Mark’s face.</p><p>“I don’t want to,” he said grimly.</p><p>“I didn’t know. I’m... sorry.”</p><p>The perpetrator shakes his head in annoyance, scratching his nape as if he’s utterly bored after spending hours after hours torturing his little victims. “You know, I’m sick of that word. I heard that from Chenle first, and then Jisung, and now... <em>you</em>. I mean come on, is that all you assholes can do? <em>Say sorry?! </em>You should live up to your mistakes, man. Or rather, <em>die up to it</em>.”</p><p>A grin made his way across the man’s lips, before shifting his gaze to another boy tied behind him, a duct tape plastered on his mouth. <em>Donghyuck, Mark’s boyfriend. </em></p><p>“L-leave Donghyuck alone. H-He doesn’t deserve to...”</p><p>“Mark Lee, you just don’t get it, do you? Gone are the days that I follow your order. <em>You </em>and your pathetic little boyfriend are under my mercy. Therefore, we go by my rules. And I say... you watch on the VIP seat while I pull out your boyfriend’s tongue before feeding it to my pigs. How does that sound?”</p><p>The sparkle in the man’s eyes is the opposite of the terror from Mark’s. He tried to squirm his way out from the ropes binding his limbs only to end up looking like an idiot, a mere worm easy for the other to step and kick at. And that’s exactly what his perpetrator did.</p><p>“Stop wasting your energy, no god is gonna save you and your boyfriend. After all, Donghyuck said it himself years ago. <em>Faggots are no child of God.</em>”</p><p>He clenched his teeth, eyes sharp and unforgiving. He hummed a gospel, one that Donghyuck often sang on church every Sunday as part of the choir, the couple realized. Donghyuck’s screams in the end easily overpowered the man’s voice, as the tip of the blade sliced the pinky flesh of his tongue.</p><p>That very next morning, two boys were found dead in an abandoned building at Gyeongsadong. One with his tongue carved out, throat sliced. While the other died because of the numerous stab in his skull.</p><p>The words <em>FORGIVE US GOD FOR WE HAVE SINNED</em> were painted on the floor using their blood as the substance. A rotten rose in between the two dead lovers.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>August 1, 2021</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Renjun,</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Just to let you know, I’m still growing roses in my garden. Well, I doubt it is considered a garden with how small the place is. But there are a few pots of flowers I saved from my grandma’s old flower shop. I kept them all, watered them every day, and nourished them with sunlight. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>They’re growing fine, Renjun. Despite the change of environment, flowers don’t seem to notice it really. As long as someone takes care of them, nothing could go wrong. There are times I think of you as a flower. A delicate, lovely, and one-of-a-kind rose. My only regret was that I failed to keep you alive and healthy. I failed to see you grow and bloom after a cold Winter night.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So I’m taking care of all these flowers in behalf of you. Watching them live and bloom for another tomorrow, I sort of wish you did too.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(After all these nights, I still dream of that day. That rose I held in my pocket, I still kept it with me every time.)</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>*** </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There are whisperings everywhere. A normal scenario in high school really. Except, these whisperings and giggling were filled with malice, judgment, and clear loathsome. What’s really weird is that the person on the receiving end was not someone he expected. Not someone that would even come to his mind at all when he think of the toxicity of the never-ending high school bullying and claim for hierarchy.</p><p>What were they whispering about? Did he miss something? Why isn’t he wearing his usual smile? Why is he looking down? And why is he not sitting with them?</p><p>“Don’t even think about it, man. Starting today, Renjun won’t be sitting with us. We have no room for faggots here at our table. And group,” is Jaemin’s answer to all the questions circulating in his head.</p><p>He doesn’t have any words to say, so he kept his mouth shut. Focusing on his peas and subtly checking on the Chinese with his peripheral view.</p><p>Just what the hell happened over Summer? It’s like suddenly, as the season changed, Renjun became an outcast. The biggest loser and the main subject of teasing and bullying from almost everyone. Especially his so-called <em>friends</em>.</p><p>‘<em>What is wrong with them?’</em></p><p>God knows how his heart broke every time he had to land a punch and throw a glare with the shorter boy. He had to stare away and walk as fast as he can to the other side just to stop himself from crossing paths with a limping Renjun on the corridor. Soon enough videos spread throughout campus, and Renjun apparently was thrown out of his house by his parents just because he loved his best friend which happened to be of the same gender as him.</p><p>He watched in the corner, keeping his words and anger to himself as he saw the muse of his every poem become the laughing stock of the whole school. Lately, writing poems and letters for Renjun was all he could ever do. Though, they were never sent.</p><p>The time he finally decided to, the news of the boy hanging himself shocked the whole town.</p><p>His letters remained in his pockets. Along with the rose he never had the chance to give.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <b>To Huang Renjun,</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Hello! First of all, please don’t throw away this letter &gt;//&lt; I literally spent a whole week- no, a whole month!- thinking whether I should give this to you or not. Don’t be creeped out, I’m really not that creepy I swear! I sort of just wanted to write you this letter in hopes that my words could at least soothe your aching heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Did I sound too cheesy right now? Are you smiling? If you are, then at least I know I did my job right. And guess what- it is to make you smile! I know things have been tough for you lately. But the Renjun I know is tougher than any of the stupid remarks coming from random strangers who don’t even know you. Or friends and family. (But seriously, can you even consider them as friends and family if they treat you like this?)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I guess I can not be your friend too, then. Because I’m treating you like shit as well in hopes of pleasing the people around me. When all this time you were really the only person out there who’s been true and kind to me. You offer me friendship despite my simplicity and mundane personality. But don’t get me wrong, I’m doing this not because I owe you. But because I want to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So here comes the part where I confessed something through a letter with the use of very unpoetic words. Actually, there’s a poem I wrote for you, attached to this letter in your hands. You can read them after if you want to that is.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But Huang Renjun, I fell in love with you on the first day of high school. Don’t ask me why, because I could list a thousand reasons and still a whole sheet of paper won’t be enough. I just do. And I know you’re in love with someone else, but it’s okay. I just wanna let you know that you are loved. Someone out there (basically me) is secretly praying for your happiness. You deserve all the love in this world, you know? Whenever you cry, my heart breaks too. Don’t give up because as I've always before, the word sadness and Huang Renjun doesn’t fit well together. </em>
</p><p><em>Meet me at the gardens, please? If you want, I can show you to my grandma’s flower shop. You said you wanna come see it and the flowers there are waiting for you too.</em> <em>(Especially that rose I may or may not give you).</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>Love,</b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>Well, you probably know who I am &lt;3</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The sound of a baseball bat lazily tapping on the cemented floor echoed in the dark, spacious quarters. His eyes only ever held the same bored and disinterested look as if nothing ever from the sound of a dying pig tied up on its feet fazed him. Truth is, nothing ever did anymore. For he’s dead deep within. Soul, heart, and innocence long gone- taken by those he loves within their graves.</p><p>The heavy and cold butcher knife rests inside his other palm, swiftly swinging it with clear ease. Hands obviously used with the weight of the weapon.</p><p>Today’s sure been another day, more lovely pigs waiting to be slaughtered by him. Only to prepare and feed their meats with the disgusting greedy creature called humans. Who would have known? The same hands who used to grow flowers in his teenage days will be the same hands to be drenched by animal blood.</p><p>‘<em>Think, just think. You need to come up with a plan.’ </em></p><p>But the animal hanging upside down doesn’t give him the silence he desperately needs. In a flash of sudden annoyance, he gets up from his chair and slit its throat all too easily, hearing the animal cry in torture before it finally loses its strength and will to live. Eyes closing as it took its final breath.</p><p>“Fucking pig,” he uttered in disgust.</p><p>He doesn’t care if his hand right now is covered in pig blood, or if stains of the pungent liquid splashed on his eyelashes. He’s thinking, thinking, thinking. His job is not yet done.</p><p>There’s still one more left to finish before the real celebration. And as always, he’s been saving the best for the last.</p><p>One more person to visit. One more animal to slaughter. Someone much worst than the dead pig in front of him. The source of all his heartbreak.</p><p>
  <em>Na Jaemin.</em>
</p><p>Without any hesitation, he sliced down the pig’s skin in half, cutting and lacerating with the tip of his knife in its stomach. Blood splattered on his face and apron, but he couldn’t care less. His gloved hand pushing its way inside the dead animal, fingers sneaking in a wet squelch, before pulling out the pig’s intestines and liver.</p><p>The sensation of warm blood always seeps in despite the cover of latex on his hands.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>When the sun sleeps </b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>on a pale pink sky in summer, </b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>When the snow dusts my hair </b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>and the tip of my nose too, on a winter night.</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>I think of you. I think of you.</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It’s truly entertaining. Watching these people take their final breaths, closing their eyes for eternity under his watch. In between those very seconds, where they try to save themselves out of his suffocating hold, eyes pleading silently with their tight-lipped and purplish mouths- he feels like a God. And it’s so amazing, so extraordinary, to have the power this time.</p><p>The power to kill and save them within his mercy. The ability that will decide whether they’ll face tomorrow or not.</p><p>Autumn has come. And Jaemin’s blood graced the dying trees.</p><p>Everything is well. Except it’s not.</p><p>The cherry blossom tree where Renjun used to sit under loses its life. Jeno hated Autumn and Winter so much for he knew he needed to wait a few more months before said tree bloomed under the sun’s warmth. Still, it feels good. Pressing his back over the same trunk Renjun used to find comfort with in the past.</p><p>He pulled out his old but never forgotten letter. The one he failed to gave Renjun along with the rose and the poem he made for the smaller. Placing it on the empty space beside him. Then he closes his eyes, shutting off the voices in his head and the emptiness in his heart.</p><p>Jeno smiled. The chilly kiss of the wind feels like Renjun’s hands finally touching his.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>When the flowers laugh </b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>at the wake of spring, </b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>When the dead leaves dance </b> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <b>in the middle of fall.</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> <b>I’m in love with you. Always in love with you.</b> </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>OKAY. So this is the part where like I clarify things, right? LOL.</p><p>First of all, yep you got it. Jeno is the killer. He is the one killing the other Dream members to take revenge for the death of his first love, Huang Renjun. As you've noticed, the timeline isn't really in order (I made sure of that). So like the first one, is a diary entry dated back 2016- the year when Renjun is still alive. The one that follows after it is a compilation of short scenarios in the present. It is where Jeno is killing them one by one. The third one (or the second diary entry dated 2021 which is the present timeline) is still Jeno writing diary entries for Renjun. And the one that follows after it is another shift on the timeline. A flashback from the past- 2016- where Renjun is still alive. </p><p>Second, yeah. Obviously, Renjun is dead. He killed himself because of the amount of bullying he received from his friends, the whole school, and the abandonment from his own family. Though if you read through the lines, I also gave a hint that Renjun is actually depressed. He only found comfort in the company of Jeno. Renjun is also suffering from internalized homophobia. He's actually in a bit of in denial phase when it comes to his feelings for Jaemin. That is why Jeno said, he realized Renjun's feelings first for his best friend than Renjun himself. </p><p>Third, Jaemin is in love with Renjun too- yeah, just wanna clarify that. But Jaemin has a very complex personality. He's an asshole yeah, lol (there's no better way to put it). Because six of them (except for Jeno) are from wealthy and influential families, they have a reputation and image to build. Jaemin is simply scared. So he pushed Renjun away and pulled the typical in-denial card for himself.</p><p>Fourth- Renjun bravely took the risk to confess his feelings for Jaemin during their summer break in Hawaii. But Donghyuck saw the whole scene and records it. Thus, the "video" of Renjun was born and is spread throughout the campus. </p><p>Fifth, Donghyuck and Mark are a couple. But in fear of being found out and judged by others, they have to pretend like they are normal friends. Jeno knows their secret, and bearing the anger of what they've put Renjun through, he killed them together. I'd like to imagine that Donghyuck was the first person to betray Renjun and bullied him mostly, oftentimes reciting biblical phrases to the Chinese. Donghyuck's a son of a pastor and his parents were a firm Christian believer so, like any traditional strict Christian family, they believed being a homo is a sin.</p><p>Sixth, I didn't put this in the story because my original plan for this is really to make it as short as possible. But the reason Jeno lost it when Renjun decided to kill himself is that his mother experienced the same fate as Renjun. 8-year-old Jeno saw his mother's dead body after the woman swallowed pills to kill herself after their father left them. Thus, making Jeno an orphan at such a young age until, of course, his grandmother took him in.</p><p>Seventh, YES. Jeno is a butcher, lol. From his previous job as a florist to a pig butcher- I think it's a good way to show how his personality changed over the years.</p><p>Eighth, his grandmother is dead.</p><p>Ninth, Jeno used to be an underdog for Jaemin's group of friends. Because of his social status, he's considered a nobody. Renjun is the only person who ever really treated him as a friend.</p><p>AND, I'd love and hate to say this but... Jeno actually has a chance. Yeah, I could imagine Renjun falling in love with Jeno if Jeno is only brave enough to give him that letter before Renjun died. So yeah, there's that. Lol. </p><p>The poem in the end is the one Jeno wrote for Renjun along with the handwritten letter. So far, I think my only goal here is to write about Jeno's regret and his suffering. But most importantly, how great his love for Renjun is. Jeno is not the perfect character, I could actually consider him as a villain here but... I wanted to write a side of him that could be pretty interesting to read.</p><p>FUN FACT: When I originally wrote this, this was supposed to be a RenYang fic and not NoRen. I changed in the middle because I think Jeno fits better as the main character. </p><p>Any thoughts? Feel free to comment them, I would love to read them. So that would be all. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed writing this. Y'all have a great day and see ya on the next one!</p><p>- sungchan</p></blockquote></div></div>
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